Apr. 14th, 2011 04:41 pm
house_gembell: (Em: Sad)
Think I've been dealing with too much lately - taking too much on. I mean, I've slipped out on my own, and I just feel... heartsore. I think it's the only way to describe it. Been guarding Beth against so much - her fear of death, her stupid mother pulling stupid shit on her again, her anxiety. And it wears on me. I mean, when Kyte hopped online for the first time in what feels like forever, all I wanted to do was just cling to him or crawl in his lap or something. And... I dunno. I feel old. I feel tired.

Maybe it's the body's stupid time of the month making me feel like this. Maybe Beth's stress is getting to me too - fucked if I know why I feel this way. I just... I need to be held, I think. :/

I mean, Beth was having flashbacks to 2000, when I first showed up, after her mother said "oh it's too much trouble for me to go out to the mall to meet you when you're passing through as you move two states away". To me, it seems her mother doesn't even feel she's worth the effort. And this is why I'm here. To tell her she is worth the effort, and she deserves better than that crap. She deserves better than the family she's got. Her mother is all "me me me", all take. The same with her sisters. And Beth is all give, give until she's got nothing left, give until she's empty and there's nothing left.

She has a family here. A better one than the one she was born with. She's got me, and Ellie, and George. She's got the husband, too. And her friends.

I wish she would realize that and just say goodbye to her.

house_gembell: (Beth: Sad)
It's kind of a tradition with me - even though I'm not exactly the most religious person out there - to listen to Jesus Christ Superstar around Eastertime. I was mesmerized by the musical when I watched it on VH1 when I was a kid, and ever since I've listened to it or watched it around this time each year. It's a powerful story, and I'll admit, sometimes I'll cry when I listen. Other times it gives me goosebumps.

After this whole intense fear of death thing that I've been dealing with right now, it's even more powerful. And counseling hasn't really assisted with that crazy fear. I mean, some nights I'll go to bed and lay there, afraid I won't wake up in the morning. Afraid that Bryan won't wake up in the morning. I mean, I believe in reincarnation. How else could I be here, with George? I know there's life after death. But I don't want to face death. I'm afraid that I'm George's second and only chance left at life. When we go again, we'll be gone. Just... eternal darkness. Nothingness. And it scares the everloving shit out of me.

Fuck. Now I'm all anxiety-ish again. It's hard not to think about death, though, when it's all around us, every day. Stupid people shooting each other for no reason. Natural disasters whipping out of nowhere and taking lives. Shit like that.

I am never going to get to sleep tonight. Not unless I bike ten miles or something and wear myself out. Maybe I should make Em come out and take care of things for a while. She's not scared of anything.



house_gembell: (Default)

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