(no subject)

[house_gembell]

Tori Amos music on loop? Check.

Unhealthy amounts of chocolate and caffeine? Check.

Inability to even check my email because it's just chock full of reminders of things I don't want to think about? Check.

Pretending I'm happy even though I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry? Double-check.

Fighting back urges to do bad things to myself? Check.



Fuck today. Fuck everything.

Comments

[ex_fathomless325]

Nothing is worth harming yourself over. No Thing and No One. I'm sorry that you're in pain. I know you probably don't want to talk much to anyone in this system right now, even if that doesn't seem entirely rational, I wouldn't blame you at ALL for feeling that way. There's nothing rational about pain of the heart. I completely understand. I know that how much I can be here for you is hindered by my proximity to the one that hurt you. But I am still sorry.

~Celes

[house_gembell]

S'not your fault, Cel. I just hope this doesn't put any strain on your friendship with Beth, yanno?

And the whole self-harming discovery scares the shit out of me. I can't deny that it sounds appealing, but I'm not gonna do anything to this body. It's Beth's, and Ellie's, and even George's even though he's probably confused by it, not just mine.

Just because you share headspace with him doesn't make me not wanna talk to you.

I just... ugh. I don't know what to do besides sit here and hurt.

[ex_fathomless325]

That's all you can do. There's nothing strange about that. Hell, it'll probably be a couple days before you can do much of anything else. There's nothing strange or weak or abnormal about that at all. Your reaction is exactly where anyone's would be.

Feeling the urge to hurt yourself isn't so far out of the ball park, it's just less healthy. You can't help that you feel that way, though. I just hate that you do because I think you're a stronger person than that. You're absolutely right, though. It's so much harder to be strong for yourself than it is for other people. Still, self-inflicting pain is never the coping method that heals, it only pretends to heal. Dwelling on it, even if you don't intend to do it, isn't going to help either, though I know that's hard.

If this gets in the way of Beth and I'd friendship, then it does, and I won't hold anyone to blame for it. It's no one's fault. I don't think that it will, though, at least not in the long run even if it makes things incredibly awkward for a while.

Things only stay fucked up for so long before they start to heal. And even though you can't even begin to think about it now, this will heal.

You're not the only one who's hurting from it. Deeply. Trust me.

As Star would stay, "Only out of the deepest darkness can spring the brightest light." There's usually something to that, even though all so often it is so SO hard to see.

~C

[house_gembell]

What sucks the most is that I apparently can't let go of being front enough to let Beth slip forward so I can go hide. I'm stuck here out front, pretending everything is fine, when it's really not.

[thesynchronomes]

*hugs* There's no shame in crying. Let it out if you need to. ♥

[ex_fathomless325]

:/ That's no good at all. Even Ellie is unreachable? She'd probably be pretty good at pretending things are all unicorns and rainbows. ^^;;;

~C

[house_gembell]

Ellie and George are both MIA, and Beth's hovering just out of reach, freaking out and worrying about me. :/

[ex_fathomless325]

Perhaps it could be pointed out to her that the more helpful thing would be to come forward and save you from wordly interaction rather than hanging back as your being forward and having to pretend is NOT at all helping? ^^;;;; You've certainly stepped in and saved her enough times.

I'm not saying that to mean to her at all. I totally understand why she might want to hang back! But her not doing so would be extremely useful here. ^^;;

~C

[house_gembell]

It's not so much that she won't come forward so much as she can't come forward - I'm stuck out. And I have no damn idea why. It's like that time with the network tour where I got stuck out and my electrical sensitivity went fucking haywire and I almost passed out. (Just without the electrical sensitivity crap.)

[ex_fathomless325]

Ew. Disregard my previous comments entirely then. We've never experienced anything like that before. That's moderately terrifying and terribly frustrating!

~C

[house_gembell]

I'm gonna see if I can't force Beth to come out somehow before class starts, so she can pay attention to what's going on - gods know I sure as hell won't be paying attention. This class bores the crap out of me, anyway. :/

[ex_fathomless325]

Yeah. That would probably be good.

*hugs* We're leaving to go mushroom hunting when the husband gets here. I hope you feel a bit better soon, though I know it's an uphill road. *hugs*

I'm here for you if you need me, even via cell (assuming I get service in the sticks.)

~Cel

[house_gembell]

*hugs* Thanks. I really appreciate it. We've got class tonight, so I'll probably be mostly quiet, but if I need you I'll text.
-Em

Haha, mushroom hunting makes me think of Cowboy Bebop (and the song Mushroom Hunting). XD I am a dork.
-Beth