house_gembell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
house_gembell) wrote2011-05-07 07:44 pm
house_gembell) wrote2011-05-07 07:44 pm
Entry tags:
Thoughts
This is a sad bit of entry today - I got to writing on 750 words about George, figured I'd post it here.
Ahh, May 7th. Beth's birthday. A better birthday than my own, but not by much. Considering the day is tinged slightly with sorrow, what with it being the anniversary of Beth's half brother's death. Around 33 years ago is when he died, and it's a bit of a depressing story to tell. And we just know the short version.
And, well, the short version is that he fell in the lake behind Beth's father's house and drowned. It's apparently a 9 foot drop right off the shore at the lake there, and he was apparently in a boat without a life jacket, and tumbled overboard, and that was it.
And up until recently, when Beth opened herself up to the visitors she had living here, to me and Ellie, she found George there as well - her half brother. It explained the phantom sensations she had, the memories that weren't really hers. It explained the intense fear she had whenever she went near that lake, and the weird feelings she had whenever she stayed at her father's house. Like she knew the place better than she should.
When I look through her memories of the place (she shares her memories, it's like a library where I can pick out the book - or in this case, memory - I want and look through it and learn from it), it creeps me out. Always has. I wonder if back then, some little spark of me was there, in the back of little Beth's head. Now that we've... split, so to speak, she feels very nostalgic about the place. Wishes she could go back. Wishes she was able to spend more time with her dad. I think George wishes for the same thing, too.
Strange. He just fluttered around the edge of our consciousness. I didn't think he'd be back in any way, sort, or form for a long time. Considering the date and everything. But yeah. He wishes he could spend more time with his dad, too. Beth is of two minds when it comes to telling him about us - she's considering telling him, because she thinks he'll understand why, but she doesn't want to tell him about George. She doesn't want him to think she's mocking her. But he's here. He's here, and he's hugging me, and he's so young right now, not how he usually manifests himself. The poor kid. He never really had a chance, did he?
Right now, we're all just feeling overwhelmingly sad. Ellie's here too, holding him up there in the headspace. Same with Beth. They're all sitting together, and he's sad, they all are. We all are. Granted, she's only his half sister, but they share a father, and there's the bond. They're family, even if they never got the chance to know each other.
Beth often wonders what he'd be like if he were alive today - here in the headspace, he never talks, he only hugs us and projects feelings. S'how he communicates. Right now he's sad, and scared. He knows what happened today, and he's afraid it could happen again. But Beth and Ellie are telling him he's safe here, because he is. They're holding him close, and I wish I could be up there too, but then nobody'd be in control and that'd be damn awkward. So, here I sit, watching.
From what I've gathered, he's sensitive, like Beth, but stronger. He probably had a more supportive upbringing than Beth did - from her personal experience, her father never had anything unpleasant to say to Beth. Always supported her, always said she could do anything she put her mind to. Always proud of her.
Even though he's done some cruddy things in the past, like change her birth certificate so he could claim her on his taxes, she's glad he's her father. And I am too. She needs at least one nice parent, anyway, to help keep her sane.
I really hope her father's doing alright today. I worry about him, a little. Considering his life, and how he's lived it, you've got to wonder what he thinks about, how he feels about things. What he feels today - celebrating the birth of one child while remembering the death of another. It can't be easy on him - not at all. Now that we've recognized him, and realized he is here with us, it's not easy on us either.
And at 8:01 pm tonight, we'll raise a glass of wine to the brother we never knew.
Ahh, May 7th. Beth's birthday. A better birthday than my own, but not by much. Considering the day is tinged slightly with sorrow, what with it being the anniversary of Beth's half brother's death. Around 33 years ago is when he died, and it's a bit of a depressing story to tell. And we just know the short version.
And, well, the short version is that he fell in the lake behind Beth's father's house and drowned. It's apparently a 9 foot drop right off the shore at the lake there, and he was apparently in a boat without a life jacket, and tumbled overboard, and that was it.
And up until recently, when Beth opened herself up to the visitors she had living here, to me and Ellie, she found George there as well - her half brother. It explained the phantom sensations she had, the memories that weren't really hers. It explained the intense fear she had whenever she went near that lake, and the weird feelings she had whenever she stayed at her father's house. Like she knew the place better than she should.
When I look through her memories of the place (she shares her memories, it's like a library where I can pick out the book - or in this case, memory - I want and look through it and learn from it), it creeps me out. Always has. I wonder if back then, some little spark of me was there, in the back of little Beth's head. Now that we've... split, so to speak, she feels very nostalgic about the place. Wishes she could go back. Wishes she was able to spend more time with her dad. I think George wishes for the same thing, too.
Strange. He just fluttered around the edge of our consciousness. I didn't think he'd be back in any way, sort, or form for a long time. Considering the date and everything. But yeah. He wishes he could spend more time with his dad, too. Beth is of two minds when it comes to telling him about us - she's considering telling him, because she thinks he'll understand why, but she doesn't want to tell him about George. She doesn't want him to think she's mocking her. But he's here. He's here, and he's hugging me, and he's so young right now, not how he usually manifests himself. The poor kid. He never really had a chance, did he?
Right now, we're all just feeling overwhelmingly sad. Ellie's here too, holding him up there in the headspace. Same with Beth. They're all sitting together, and he's sad, they all are. We all are. Granted, she's only his half sister, but they share a father, and there's the bond. They're family, even if they never got the chance to know each other.
Beth often wonders what he'd be like if he were alive today - here in the headspace, he never talks, he only hugs us and projects feelings. S'how he communicates. Right now he's sad, and scared. He knows what happened today, and he's afraid it could happen again. But Beth and Ellie are telling him he's safe here, because he is. They're holding him close, and I wish I could be up there too, but then nobody'd be in control and that'd be damn awkward. So, here I sit, watching.
From what I've gathered, he's sensitive, like Beth, but stronger. He probably had a more supportive upbringing than Beth did - from her personal experience, her father never had anything unpleasant to say to Beth. Always supported her, always said she could do anything she put her mind to. Always proud of her.
Even though he's done some cruddy things in the past, like change her birth certificate so he could claim her on his taxes, she's glad he's her father. And I am too. She needs at least one nice parent, anyway, to help keep her sane.
I really hope her father's doing alright today. I worry about him, a little. Considering his life, and how he's lived it, you've got to wonder what he thinks about, how he feels about things. What he feels today - celebrating the birth of one child while remembering the death of another. It can't be easy on him - not at all. Now that we've recognized him, and realized he is here with us, it's not easy on us either.
And at 8:01 pm tonight, we'll raise a glass of wine to the brother we never knew.
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~C
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